Top 3 Responses of Waking White Women
Anger, Avoidance, and Martyrdom, and What To Consider When You’re on the Brink
It doesn’t matter where you are in your allyship journey — at some point, you will more than likely experience some amount of anger, avoidance, and/or martyrdom. Getting clear on how to navigate these responses can help you to show up better for yourself, and in your support of black lives — and the lives of all unique members of our human family.
1. Anger
Let’s start by naming the obvious: there are a lot of angry people right now.
From a neurological standpoint, when we are in anger, we are not most equipped to process new information; our capacity to listen is diminished, our emotional state is heightened, and we are less apt to pause to consider diverse perspectives, experience, and feelings.
To be clear — I am not saying, by any means, that we should not be angry. If anything, I’d argue — we should all be angry. Anger is, undoubtedly, necessary.
With that being said — it must be used with tact, in right audience, with right intention, in control, and guided by love of humanity.
To get there, we must allow — within ourselves, individually — the experience of our anger in its fullest expression; we must feel anger so deeply that it makes our souls ache; we must move our anger through us so that it does not stunt us.
Our anger can serve to fuel us in finding — and sustaining — our deeper purpose. We must listen to and for our anger — continuously — so that we may name it, respect it, tame it, and keep it in right space.
Anger, unchecked (or not checked in with), leads to soul-rotting, even with the best of intentions. Anger, unmet, weighs us down. Anger, unaddressed, leads to arrogance, righteousness, jealousy, blindness, and narrowness that forces people out.
Nurtured anger — anger rooted in the vindication of a loving humanity — is a perpetual slow-burning fire in our gut; it is oil in our machine of “the work.” We must learn to harness our flame; to keep a steady, low heat — so as not to burn ourselves up, nor spout fire at our neighbors.
2. Avoidance
We have all been conditioned to a system that was birthed on principals of white supremacy, social hierarchy, bottom-line, and individualism.
This is not the system that will bring connection.
This is not the system that will bring peace.
This is not the system that will lead you home.
We cannot avoid speaking with people who know more than we do.
We can acknowledge what we know we don’t know (and/or never will).
We cannot avoid speaking with people who may not agree with us.
We can listen deeply to people who have characteristics and histories unlike our own.
We cannot avoid leaning into our own prejudice, bias, and oppression.
We can accept that we all carry prejudice, bias, and oppression.
We cannot avoid speaking out against hate.
We can notice when we have avoided — and commit to doing better next time.
We cannot sink into a comfort of confusion or indecision.
We can educate ourselves and do the best we can.
We cannot ignore the privilege of not having to know all of this already.
We can move at a pace — in an action and advocacy — that keeps us grounded and connected to ourselves, and to the pulse of humanity.
We cannot avoid our mirrors, nor our shadows.
We can face the shadows of our soul, the conditioning of our conscience, and the fear of our hearts.
We can lead ourselves home.
3. Martyrdom
Martyrdom often feels like the safest place for people newer to their boldest inner activist because of the imagined cushion of “having the best intention of doing so much right that there’s no more room for any more wrong.”
I understand it, and it’s a slippery slope.
The line is drawn here:
If you are not liberating yourself in the process of supporting the liberation of others, you are not fighting for freedom.
One more time.
If you are not liberating yourself in the process of supporting the liberation of others, you are not fighting for freedom.
Unquestionably — if you realize you are taking up space in a way that you are not meant to, or would be served better by someone else, adjust your footing (and take the time you need to really unpack how you got there).
However, it will not serve the movement to carry and lead with oppressive ideologies of (misguided) “sin repentance,” white guilt, or subtle ideals white saviorism.
Shame’s burden is much heavier to carry than hope’s light.
Remind yourself regularly that this movement is not about you — this movement is, most concretely, about saving black lives. It is because it is not about you, that you must take care of yourself. If you are running on empty, or worse, there is no possible way for you to have the strength of mind to show up in the way you are needed, with the service that is unique to your integrity.
Additionally, we need as many people taking action as possible. If you are sending the message that the only way to do this work is to be consumed by it — in a way that depletes your capacity to be present to your own experience of joy — (…I say this with love…) you are turning people off from leaning in. The people out of the dialogue in anger or avoidance will be hard pressed to find reason to engage or think differently if they feel like they look happier than you — especially in a culture where success and happiness are measured in union.
Joy is resistance.
